[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
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Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole