Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.