My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
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IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
@ candidates for local office
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in