a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
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Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
you gotta be faster
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I’m calling the cops.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
bury ourselves
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.