A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
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My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.