in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
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Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Finally
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Death certificates are our last participation award.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it