i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.