I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night