According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
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First rule of flight club…no penguins.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Bed should get ready for ME
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes