Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Lube but for my dry humor.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.