I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
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Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
This is what makes twitter great
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
We’ve come full circle
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.