How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
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If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?