I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize