Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
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The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
all bases covered
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*