IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?