This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
the composer
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
where the womens at?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?