Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
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I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.