You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
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Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead