Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
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I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!