People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
You Might Also Like
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
2023 was just a warmup
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I just ran a .003048K
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.