I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
good for her
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Holy crap this is wonderful