Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
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I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
mumsnet is amazing
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*