Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”