Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
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LMAO
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Okay
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.