is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
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Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.