What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
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When a shoelace touches your ankle
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
🔦🌙👣
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Brands during Pride
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.