If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
You Might Also Like
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Finally!
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.