My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
mathematically impossible
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
(Musicians.)
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.