Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Mad Max Arctic Road
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
remember
only for emergencies
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.