How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!