Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Very good! 👍😂
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.