The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
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The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever