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*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I hate everything
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.