It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
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Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away