When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
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creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.