Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”