the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
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Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
some Old Testament wisdom
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.