Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
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PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Education is vital
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.