I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I’ve been learning to cook.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Scream sneezers need love too.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?