*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
You Might Also Like
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.