a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
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*names my little horse OneTrick*
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.