Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
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I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Meow?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️