Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
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Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”