[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor