This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter