Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
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I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary