I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
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Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Finally! 😈
Two types of dogs.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.