“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
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I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator