That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
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Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.