Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend